Mister Virtue
by twi-ction
Summary: Edward gets dragged to a strip club for his bachelor party. Based off of the July 16th Quote of the Day


"Bella: "Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?""

"I can NOT believe that I forgot about this! I'm so stupid!" Alice threw her arms in the air in a very tantrum like way.

Catching my interest, I turned from the piano and glanced in her direction.

_A bachelorette party is VITAL to the wedding plans. Lucky it's not too late, huh. I need Rose's help with this. Bella will never go along, neither will Edward if he finds ou-… shit, he's looking at me. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco._

"NO Bachelor parties!"

"Awe, why do you have to be such a spoil sport!" She whined. I winced at the sound. Alice had a significant way of whining in a very childlike manner.

"No, Alice. None of that. You know damn well that Bella would be against an additional party and I'm sure it's no secret that I'm not accepting the idea either."

"At least Bella loves me enough to think about it. You can't read her mind, you don't know for sure."

"I know my fiance, Alice. She wont like it."

Alice raised her eyebrow impishly before prancing out of the room, guarding her thoughts by reciting the ingredients of Dr. Pepper.

I sat back down at the piano and let my fingers flow once more over the ivory keys. I noted the addition of an edgier tone to the melody and was not surprised. It was normal for my music to parallel my mood, and now, I was rather agitated.

I continued to play for a couple minutes more until the clock finally reached 4 o' clock.

Bella was out of work now. I rose from the bench and walked out to the front porch where I usually sat while I waited for Bella to arrive.

Long before she pulled in to the clearing, I could hear the distinct sound of the Guardian that I had bought her. It had a very safe sound to it, and it made me feel better about her safety.

She smiled brightly as she stumbled out of the car and fell into my arms. I greeted her with a loving kiss first before issuing my warning.

"Beware, Alice is going to try and convince you to-" Before I finished my sentence, Alice bounced out onto the porch with a devious gleam in her eye.

"Bella, can I have a word with you really quickly?" She threw a bright smile at Bella and gestured her hand invitingly.

Bella and I both grimaced, but Bella, being the kind soul that she was, agreed. She planted one additional kiss on my cheek before following Alice into the house. I shook my head in disgust at what Alice had planned and followed them both into the house.

My disproval intensified when I found Jasper waiting eagerly inside of the house. I caught a brief glimpse of his minds inner workings before he began guarding his thoughts from me and I was not pleased with what I found. Alice had already roped him into her devious plans and he was much more willing to appease her than I had expected him to be.

"Bella, how much do you love me?" Alice smiled sweetly.

"A lot, Alice. But you've gotten away with plenty of extravagant details with this wedding as it is, so I'm not promising anything." She placed her hand on her hip in a stubborn gesture that I knew would be crushed easily under the influence of Alice.

"Pleeeease, Bella? Please, just this one last thing. If you let me do this, I will willingly remove live swans from the wedding plans."

"What is it, Alice?" Bella allowed, seemingly pleased at the possibility of getting rid of the swans. She thought it was a tad overdone to have live animals that shared the same title as her last name, and I can't say that I had disagreed.

"Can I plan a bachelorette party, please Bella? Please?"

"What!? NO!"

"Please, please, please? Bella, please?"

"No… Alice, please no?"

"No swans, and no…" She winced, "No Ice sculptures."

I groaned aloud as Bella's expression lightened and she began to consider it.

"Promise?"

Alice new she had won before she even had confirmation and had a huge smile on her face. "I promise. Oh, Bella. This is going to be so great. We're going to have so much fun!" She gave Bella a tight, appreciative hug before scampering gracefully up the stairs to plan their girls night out.

"You've just sealed our fates, Bella." I groaned.

"Our?" She inquired.

"I'm in charge of the Bachelor party." Jasper grinned.

"**Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?" **Bella raised her eyebrow curiously.

I chuckled lightly at her honest curiosity, enjoying how she blushed when she said the words 'strip club' but then my enjoyment quickly turned as I listened in on Jasper's thoughts.

_Strip club? That totally beats a night of poker and wrestling matches. I like how this girl thinks._

"Oh, no! No!" I protested wildly, "Don't even think about it!" As soon as I said it, I knew it was very absurd for me to tell him not to think about it when he was clearly already set on it. "I wont go. No."

"You will have no choice in the matter." Jasper grinned before bounding up the stairs after Alice.

"Oops." Bella winced, "My fault."

I shook my head and smiled at her briefly before tackling her onto the couch and greeting her properly.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- Two Weeks later -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

"Don't drool too much." Bella grinned playfully. I'll admit, I admired her coolness about the fact that her future brother-in-laws were taking me to a strip club, but I was still a little confused.

"Would you mind explaining to me why this is so amusing to you?" I inquired.

"I just think it's funny that they are dragging "mister virtue" himself to a strip club. How do they think they will prevent you from averting your virgin eyes?" She teased.

I chuckled. "Just you wait until you find out what Alice has planned for your party." I shot back.

"Ugh! I don't want to know…" She groaned.

"Don't let her enthusiasm spoil your fun too much." I smiled as I pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Have fun, Bella."

"You have fun yourself." She grinned wickedly.

" Don't hold your breath." I sighed.

"Edward, we're leaving." Emmett's voice boomed from the bottom of the stairs.

"No, I don't really think I want to go. You guys go on without me." I grimaced hopefully.

"OOOOH, no. Come on, we even convinced Carlisle to go- so, Damnit, you're coming." I felt his hand close around my shoulder and a sudden feeling of submissiveness washed through me.

"Dangit." I groaned.

"Yeah, that's right, let's go." Jasper grinned cheerfully as he bounded down the stairs, followed closely by a less than enthusiastic looking Carlisle.

I was the least thrilled about the situation as I was shoved into Emmett's jeep. If I had the capability of blushing, I honestly believe that I would have been doing so. I was thoroughly embarrassed by this situation. Jasper and Emmett had no shame in expressing their desires toward female bodies, and being bound to one body, no matter how attractive it may be, for 100's of years was bound to leave you wanting a change of scenery. To my severe shock and awe, none of the girls seemed even mildly agitated with the fact that their husbands or fiance were off to drool over other women's bodies. I shook my head in disgust and mouthed the words I'm sorry to Carlisle as I caught insight to his unenthused emotions.

We stopped to hunt first. Naturally, there were no all vampire strip clubs in the Olympic Peninsula, so we would have to settle for humans instead, meaning that we all… especially Jasper, needed to hunt beforehand.

I found myself rolling my eyes a lot through out the evening. Jasper and Emmett picked on me constantly, and lost no opportunity to call me a 100 year old virgin or a dried up prune.

"It's not that we don't like Bella," Emmett grinned, "But maybe you can give Bella some pointers after you see how a professional does it." A loud crack echoed through the forest as I shoved Emmett forcefully into a tree, snapping it on impact.

Laughing, Emmett and Jasper let loose a few additional jokes before dodging my attacks and making it back into the jeep before I could do any more damage to the forest.

I crossed my arms and did the best I could to look unexcited as we sped down the highway towards Olympia and I kept up my bored expression as we skidded into a parking lot.

"Exotica?" I scowled. "That sounds promising."

"No, you didn't say it right." Jasper corrected, "There are clearly three x's there, Exxxotica, is how you should say it."

"I didn't feel like sounding like an ass. I figured you had that covered enough for the both of us." I shrugged as I jumped out of the jeep.

"Again, Why don't you guys just go in without me. I really don't.."

"Shut up, pansy ass, you're going in." Emmett confirmed without leaving room for any negotiation.

"I really don't want-"

"I really don't care. Listen, this is your bachelor party, and we're going to have fun whether you like it or not."

"That hardly seems logical, Emmett." Carlisle offered.

"Logic is overrated. Ah, here we are." Emmett paid the man at the door before beckoning all of us forward.

"Ahh, this is more like it." He grinned. Before us, a long table with lights on it served as a runway of sorts. Lining the walls were booths, all with their own personal pole inserted through the middle of them. I rolled my eyes again as I regarded Emmett and Jasper . They looked like young children in a candy shop. They were practically bouncing with enthusiasm.

"Come on, these are the best seat's Emmett beamed as he dragged us over to the long bar-like table stretching across great lengths of the club. I felt an additional need to blush as I was pushed down into a seat between Jasper and Carlisle. Once the girls caught sight of the four perfectly proportioned and inviting Vampires, we would surely become the greatest attraction to them. Sure enough, I noticed one scantily clad female with light blonde hair nudge another and jerk her head in our direction. Both their eyes widened as they approached us.

_Oh my GOD, It's men like these that make my job completely worthwhile. The one in the middle there looks really young, is he even legal? Oh well, dibbs anyways. _

I felt the strong urge to cover my eyes and wait for it to be over as the two of them began swaying their bare hips and rolling around on the bar in front of us. I figured that hiding my eyes would only draw their attention to me more, so I simply sat back and made do with an indifferent stare. It's not that they weren't beautiful in their own way, but they were just not Bella. Their blood smelled strongly of alcohol and they had no sense of decency at all. Emmett and Jasper hooted and hollered at them, whistling every now and again to urge them to continue. Carlisle made no noise beside me, but he didn't look like he was enjoying himself much either. Sure enough, when I looked into his thoughts, they were full of Esme and nothing else.

_Why is the young looking one so bored-looking? Maybe I should give him a free lap-dance to excite him a little more, no - wait, I already gave out my quota of free lap-dances today. Damnit. The blonde one mused as she licked her lips in my direction. _

Catching her stare, Emmett did the least helpful thing he possibly could have. "This is his bachelor party!" He beamed, jabbing his pointer finger in my direction.

"What are you-?" I began to protest, but an excited cheer from the growing pool of girls in front of us drowned out my words.

_Hell yes! Bachelor party boys always get free lap-dances, house rules_. The blonde girl practically squealed in her head.

Damnit, this could not be good. She did her best at seducing me as she lithely extended her legs from the bar and wrapped them around my waist. More embarrassment, super. I lifted my hands above my shoulders in a very "I'm innocent of this" gesture and shot the entirely too amused Jasper and Emmett a glare. They would pay for this later.

I focused on not breathing as she grinded her hips around on mine, obviously trying to arouse me in any ways she could. Inconveniently for her, though, the only woman who had ever had that effect on me was my Bella. My beautiful, embarrassable, shy, brunette, Bella.

_He's not even enjoying himself. What the hell is wrong with me?_ She wailed mentally. I suddenly felt bad for hindering her self confidence with my stubbornness and forced a small smile for her sake. Thankfully, the small, dazzling smile was all she needed to feel accomplished and she gave me a wink and climbed back up on the bar. The girls continued to dance in front of us , much to Jasper and Emmett's entertainment.

At least Carlisle was not enjoying himself with me. I thought approvingly. As I thought it, however, Carlisle's hand slammed down on the table. I jumped a little in surprise and glanced at his hand. Beneath it, to my great shock and dismay, was a 20 dollar bill. My mouth hung open and I swung my head around slowly to gape at Carlisle. He shrugged sheepishly and grinned at me as his thoughts were suddenly vacant of Esme. Another blushing moment, I had never thought of Carlisle as… a horny human? Oh, God. This could not be happening.

Jasper and Emmett began hooting in approval at Carlisle and I rolled my eyes again.

"Jasper, NO!" I shouted, as I felt a sudden lustiness travel through my body. The glare that I issued in his direction was enough for him too gain a sudden sense of self preservation and he stopped his emotion control and let me just mope.

The night wore on like that for an additional couple of hours. I had been alive for a long time, but I must say that those were the two longest hours of my entire life.

"You could have at least pretended to enjoy yourself mister goody-two-shoes." Jasper jested as we finally exited the club. His joke was followed by an immediate crunching of metal as I shoved him into a garbage dump.

"Hey, OW! That's destruction of public property mister virgin boy."

"Shut up, Jasper, just shut up." I groaned.

"He has a point you know." Carlisle threw in.

I turned to gape at him again. 1 strip club later and he was on their side? What the hell did I do to deserve that!

He chuckled as he evaded a punch from me and climbed into the jeep.

I had a feeling that the embarrassment would only multiply in the days to come and I suddenly wondered how much chastising I would get on my wedding night. I gulped at the thought, but I took comfort in the fact that Bella would definitely not be splashing water and honey all over her body on our wedding night like the girls I had seen tonight. Finally, a relief.


End file.
